Sunday, June 21, 2009
Updates: Taking Control, 100 Days, Aunt Mary Anne
Here's a photo from my front yard last week - a gorgeous poppy!
A week or so ago I asked Mark to give me a blessing of comfort. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I hadn't said anything to him about my frustration with the growing clutter, just that I felt I needed a blessing.
I was surprised when the counsel given to me, not once but several times during the blessing, was to "take control." I asked Mark later what he thought that meant, and he said it was my blessing, it came from God, and it was up to me to discern meaning, not him.
I didn't think much about it after that. I'm embarrassed to admit that I mostly forgot about it.
Then, a couple of days ago, I noticed that I was feeling a little guilty because I kept making decisions around here--how to prepare for our family reunion, when to do some things, what to do about weeds or clutter or other "things" that needed to be taken care of. As I wrestled with that guilt, a little prompting came..."I told you to take control. You're doing what you need to do."
This business of taking control can be interpreted in a couple of ways. One way is that I need to take control of some issues here at home because Mark is still recuperating from surgery, and there are things that need to be done. The calendar hasn't stopped because he's taking a nap. This kind of control won't last long term. Mark will regain his strength, and we'll go back to the shared model of decisions and planning that have worked so well for us in our marriage. But for now, at least some of the time, I need to get things done and not feel guilty about it.
There's another way of taking control that I need to accept. We have a large household--nine of us, including Maddy--and there are many people and many belongings that have to coexist. I dislike conflict, so my first inclination is to duck and cover when the clutter builds up or the personalities clash. But that doesn't take care of the situation, and since we're likely to all be together for at least another six months, it's about time I stepped up and accepted my role as matriarch of this household. That doesn't mean I have to be domineering or mean or cranky. It means I have to accept the responsibility of leadership, even when it's uncomfortable, because then we'll all, ultimately, be more comfortable.
I'm on Day 10 of my 100 Days goals. So far I have...
read 50 pages in the Book of Mormon,
written 6.5 pages toward my book
exercised every day except the Sundays
eaten (mostly) on the Curves plan and lost 2.5 pounds.
Aunt Mary Anne
Today my cousin Karen sent this update:
Yesterday the doctor removed the breathing tube to see if Mom could talk to us. In a very raspy and labored voice she told me that she wanted us to get her out of the hospital. When I asked if she wanted to go home she nodded "yes". I told her that if she was removed from the machines that she would die. Then I said that we wanted to keep her comfortable.
She was in tremendous pain. Along with the doctor we decided to start comfort care yesterday afternoon. As the morphine
began to work the pained expression on her face disappeared.
The doctor and nurses said that she would be unresponsive today. About an hour ago Katy and her family and I were at the hospital. When we spoke to her she tried to open her eyes and she nodded yes when I asked her if she
knew that it was me.
Mom is such a fighter and continues to amaze everyone as she defies the medical predictions. We simply want her to be pain free and at peace.
P.S. I asked her two times if she wanted to go see Dad. Both times she has replied very strongly "no". Boy is she still mad a him for leaving her with all of the junk around the house. I miss him greatly on this first absentee Father's Day. (My Uncle Bill died 6 months ago from colon cancer. He was a notorious packrat, and their entire basement is filled with his "treasures." I guess Aunt Mary Anne didn't "take control" of that part of the house years ago!)